Lost
by Heavenly Moments
Summary: After trying to comfort Cristina, Meredith returns to her house. Meredith’s POV her regrets and thoughts about more than just her conversation with Derek.


Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, though I wish I did...but I do own this story )

Notes: This is my first story ever, on Grey's Anatomy (obviously…) It's based after the Season 3 Finale and is intended to be a one shot. I wrote this before Smelling the Roses.

All reviews and constructive criticism are welcome, except for flaming. Please don't flame, it's not necessary.

'Thoughts'

_Italics are past_

Summary: After trying to comfort Cristina, Meredith returns to her house. Meredith's POV; her regrets and thoughts about more than just her conversation with Derek.

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**Lost**

_"I have to go help Cristina."_

Yikes, did she actually say that to him? 'Nice going Meredith' She thought as she shifted her pillow to a more comfortable position and watched rain droplets smack against the window. 'They have it so easy…Can't I just hit something and melt away?'

She could have at least said something along the lines of, "Oh, I have to think…" or "Please Derek, let me concentrate on my best friend's wedding and we'll talk tomorrow." Nope, she didn't. Instead, she totally dodged the subject and now, well…She probably looked like a horrible person. There was the whole 'definitely lost the boyfriend' thing as well.

The pillow scratched at her cheek and she quickly turned it on it's other side, then plopped her head back down.

She loved him…So much that it hurt, seriously. One thing that bothered her was that she couldn't understand for the life of her as to why she hadn't told him earlier. He put himself out there, he told her how deeply he cared about her and how he could never look at anyone else the same way…Isn't that what she has always wanted to hear? All she had to say was, "Yes Derek, I'm into this relationship" and a couple thousand apologies as to why she has been the epitome of moodiness and the worst girlfriend ever.

He was always there, saying things…Being her knight in shining whatever…He always held his hand out to her but she never let him help, never let him do what he loved to do. She would walk away all the time. 'Why can't I just let him help? What's wrong with me?'

Her body suddenly felt chilled, and she looked to see if the window was open but it was tightly shut. She pulled the blankets up and close to her body. One arm instinctively reached over for the warmth that should've been there, but wasn't. The area, instead, was cold and barren. Her gaze turned away from the rain to the other side of her bed. She could almost see him there with that wonderful McDreamy smile of his adorning his face and his eyes sparkling.

A few strands of dirty blonde hair fell onto her mouth and she hastily swept them back. 'Derek used to do that…' She used to run her fingers through his hair too…his rich, curly black hair that any guy should be jealous of. He used to do a lot for her, more than enough…but he always did it with a smile on his face. He never said no, within reason, of course.

She had felt herself going downhill for a while, falling into a hole where she couldn't see the bottom. She began to have extra thoughts about what would happen if…She figured that it would fix itself eventually, after all…most problems did. She thought that since Derek had found her, that he had saved her for a reason because any longer in the water and well…They wouldn't have been able to do much at the hospital.

The good news was that it had stopped, it really did. She felt good but for some reason it started again. She was lost, why would the feeling come back? Derek had found her in the water, the hospital barely saved her from death, and she supposedly received no brain damage from the whole incident. She noticed something different this time though, it was getting worse. It felt like a headache that never ceased in it's pounding, no ibuprofen or Tylenol in sight to help.

Another sigh escaped her lips. She knew one thing about what was happening to her…It was ripping Derek from her and she couldn't find any glue or tape to fix it. She saw herself close enough to touch him but slowly drawn away, leaving him with confusion etched on his features. It was some sort of invisible creature, or it at least felt like it. She was losing grip on everything: herself, her life and Derek. 'What's going on? I've…lost him…I've lost him this time…' She thought as she started to cry silent tears and truly acknowledge what she has lost and could possibly never find again.


End file.
